Save It For A Rainy Day
by ninja-sisters729
Summary: What do you do on a rainy day? Now multiply that by ten, add countries, and you're screwed. Featuring the debut of Bella the Cow and Ireland the Firebird. Not a reader insert. A bit of RoChu.


Chapter 1

Vampire Storytime

Hey everyone! This is…I don't even know what.

I own…Bella the cow! And…the quote about Edward Cullen on the balcony. The bit about "that one woman" from Alaska is Raven's, I think. Obviously I don't own Twilight or Hetalia, or the wonderful bit about the guillotine from The Hetalia Cast Goes to Washington, D.C, by . Or most of the Russian fairytale "Ivan and the Firebird."

"Once upon a dark, moonlight night, the vampires and werewolves met for a fierce battle. It was long, and they had to stop for hamburger breaks, but in the end, they killed each other…and Bella was left to love…a horse…no, a cow…named Bella…"

"Ve~ lots of cows are named Bella~"

"I am not a cow!"

"Anyways! Bella the cow was a boy, but Bella the girl was a girl! And because that would be weird, a cow and a human getting married, Bella the girl turned Bella the cow into a guy! And they had a kid, and one day the vampires came back to life."

"What is this?" Spain whispered, poking Romano, who swatted his hand away lazily, as if totally used to this – which, of course, he was. "Loviii~…don't be meeaaan~…"

"Tomato bastard! Shut up and listen to the hamburger bastard talk or else the potato bastard number one will get mad! And then my bastard brother will get sad and we'll never get anything done!"

"That was an impressive display of the word bastard, Roma~" sang France, tipping back in his chair.

"Thank you, wine bastard. Now shut up. And why do you and tomato bastard all have those annoying things at the end of your sentences!"

"So, the kid says 'hey mom...Edward Cullen's on the porch. Can he come in?' and Bella's zoning out, and she says 'sure.' then she spins around and goes 'wait what?' and the kid goes 'I kicked him off the balcony...come meet my new best friend, the potted plant!' and Bella's like, 'are you talking about the cat?' and Edward's down there, crying his eyes out!" America roared with laughter, as did a couple of other random countries.

"America, this bloody storytelling idea of yours is stupid, you git. I'm not against stories, but I am against vampires."

"I resent that remark."

"Wait, like, oh my god, like, Romania – you said, like, last time I asked, that, like, you weren't, like, a vampire! Oh my god, like, Liet, did you, like, hear him? He, like, said, like, he was, like, a vampire!" Lithuania sighed at Poland's use of the world "like" ten times in three sentences.

"I'm not a _Twilight_ vampire."

"Romania!" Canada began to bang his head on the conference table, muttering, "Don't – say – that – word!" No one noticed except for Prussia, who poked Canada concernedly. Everyone else's attention was drawn to America, who had suddenly sat up straight in his chair.

"Edward!"

15 minutes, 56 cries of "Where's the vampire?" two bruises, 104 incorrect uses of the word "like," one unconscious Frenchmen, 23 phrases involving the word "bastard," seven uses of a frying pan, and one very pissed-off Romanian later, everyone had settled back into their seats. America was rubbing his head sheepishly, listening to a very long lecture from England on maturity and "that awful movie" because, though they all knew it was a book, England was loath to criticize any piece of literature that America had actually read.

Because, you know, America had actually read something. Let me repeat that again for you: America _read_ something. Amazing, right?

"_RUHIG SEIN!"_ (Shut up!) Germany pounded his fist on the table. Gradually, the roar of noise faded. "Any ideas on what to do next?"

It was raining.

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. Sure, rain makes people depressed, and it can be inconvenient. But really, is it that big of a deal?

"Oh my god so boooored." America tipped his chair backwards, staring at the ceiling. Since his "awesome story" had failed, no one had offered any ideas.

Yes, rain is that big of a deal.

"Shut up, aru!"

"Don't be so meeean, China!" This was a mistake. China shot out of his chair, wok magically appearing in his hand.

"What can you do, yúchǔn dè měiguó rén shuí qiàn wǒ qián! (stupid American who owes me money) When are you going to pay me anyways?!"

"Someday…" America trailed off sheepishly. This is why you didn't pick fights with China. Somehow, the conversation always rolled around to debt. And at this point, pretty much everyone owed China money. Except for China's panda. China owed his panda $1,019,836.02 in Chinese monopoly money.

"Kolkolkol…leave моя маленькая панда подсолнечника alone, da?" (my little sunflower panda)

That was the other reason why America wasn't allowed to pick fights with China. Russia always, always, took China's side. And America had been forbidden from fighting with Russia for years because no one wanted a third world war.

America's own reason was that Alaska might never recover from the shock of being fought over, and not just remembered for moose, being by Russia, being cold, and "that one woman who could see Russia from her house and who shot moose with her shotguns and whose daughter is, like, a reality star or something."

"Wŏ bùshì nĭde!" (I'm not yours!)

"I think, since America's story failed, I will now tell happy Russian fairytale, da?" No one wanted to argue with this, so Russia launched into his story.

"Long, long ago, in mother Russia, there lived a Tsar with a magnificent orchard. It was only magnificent because it was Russian, da? But every night, when the Tsar was asleep, tired from a long day of killing innocent children and animals, a firebird would swoop down on Tsar's golden apple trees and steal golden apples. The firebird was the color of blood, mixed with fire, mixed with Ireland, da?"

At this, England's brother stood up, slammed his fist on the table, and shouted something in a sort of old Gaelic/Irish mashup that from the tone seemed to be along the lines of "I refuse to be part of this fucking messed-up Russian fairytale! England's were bad enough!"

Then, switching into English, he added, "I am not a fucking leprechaun, by the way! So I have no gold! And you should stop attacking me on street corners and demanding my gold!" He then sat down again, glaring at all the countries in turn.

With that pleasant message, Russia continued. "So, Tsar – let's call him Tsar Raivis, da? – ordered his sons to catch Ireland-bird alive and bring to him, so that he could have the pleasure of killing it. Tsar said his sons would be brutally murdered if they didn't bring to him, so the sons went to look for Ireland-bird."

"The two elder brothers – let's call them Prince Toris and Prince Eduard, da? – fell asleep on duty. So the youngest son – let's call him Prince Ivan, because that was actually his name – who was the most handsome, strong, and clever Prince of all, saw Ireland-bird. He grabbed its tail, but it got away with help of unicorn and magical leprechauns."

Ireland looked like he was about to stand again, but England glared at him until he sat again, sulking.

"So Ivan, acting completely on his own, set out because he was brave, da? A gray wolf came upon him and brutally murdered his horse. Let's call his horse Feliks, da? The wolf, which we'll call Natalia, ripped the horse to shreds and ate it. Horse-Feliks actually belonged to Prince Toris, but Prince Ivan had stolen it from him and also his favorite hat, which he ate, along with a guillotine. This was to make him strong for the journey."

"Prince Ivan was understandably upset, and wolf-Natalia felt sorry for him, and helped him get Ireland-bird, and also a wonderful horse whom we'll call Katyusha. Then, wolf-Natalia helped him meet a Princess of rich country to south, who we'll call…Princess Yao, da? And Ivan and Yao, they fell in love."

"What the hell, aru?"

"Anyway, Prince Ivan and Princess Yao-Yao went back to Tsar Raivis's castle, da? When they came to the border of the kingdom, they stopped to rest. Then, Prince Toris and Prince Eduard, thinking they could escape from Prince Ivan, came upon them and killed Prince Ivan. They threatened Princess Yao-Yao with death if she said anything."

"Then Prince Ivan was dead for thirty days until wolf-Natalia revived him with water of death and life. She wanted to marry him so he had to brutally murder her. Not really, Belarus, no, no, that was a joke, da?"

"No, he brought her with him and horse-Katyusha to the castle, and he arrived on the day of Prince Eduard and Princess Yao-Yao's wedding. Prince Toris was older, but he had been living in the stables mourning the brutal, bloody murder of horse-Feliks for days on end, so he wasn't marrying Princess Yao-Yao. Tsar Raivis asked for an explanation, and Princess Yao-Yao –"

"I am not a Princess, aru!"

" – told them the truth. Ivan then threw Prince Toris and Prince Eduard, and also Tsar Raivis, into prison. He took the kingdom and ruled as Tsar Ivan with queen Yao – better, da? They lived happily ever after, especially after wolf-Natalia killed the Princes and Tsar by ripping them to bits. The end."

Silence followed the end of Russia's story, the sort of silence that presses on your ears and makes you feel like the world has fallen silent in horror. Which, in this case, it actually had.

"…Let's do something else next."

So, the fairytale is mostly true (except for the death of the Tsar and Princes, the guillotine bit, and the part about the Prince living in the stables mourning the horse Ivan stole from him).

Here is the full text of the quote the guillotine is from:

"Woo! That was fun!" Alfred said. "Now let's play a new game: You're stranded on a dessert island with a lizard and a guillotine, what do you do?" "Let the lizard do his thing, use the guillotine to cut up coconuts and, when I get bored, kill myself with the guillotine." said Elizaveta. "I'd eat the guillotine, find some plants that can make you high, get high with the lizard and have some crazy times." said Ivan. Everyone stared at him. "You'd EAT ze guillotine?" asked Francis. "Yup. And I think it would be fun to get high with a lizard." Arthur sighed. — _The Hetalia Cast Goes to Washington, D.C, by _

I have…one more chapter for this? and then back to Alliance, or (Lion) King of the World.

~Kaidi!


End file.
